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I’m an American intact man. If you are with a woman for the first time, should you tell her you’re not circumcised or just let her find out on her own? Sooooo can’t decide. I think this issue affects a lot of men.
What a great question! And yes, I’m happy to answer, though you may not like what I have to say.
I’m a “Live Out Loud” kind of gal, so I would be all up front about everything. But I absolutely understand that you, as an American intact man, would hesitate to go waving your foreskin around on a first date.
Guys in their 20’s may not encounter rejection from women as much as guys in their 40’s or older because the intact rate is higher for the 20-somethings. Women in their 20’s likely have brothers who are intact or at least had a boyfriend or friend who is intact, so foreskin is not as foreign to many of them.
However, I do know guys in their 20’s who have experienced the same foreskin ridicule and rejection as men in their 40’s. While age is a factor, I found during the writing of my book INTACT: Men As They Were Born to Be that ridicule of American men due to their foreskin seems to be geographical as well as cultural.
So, to tell or not to tell a woman up front? That is the question! Well, let’s look at the various options.
Option 1: Don’t Tell Her Up Front
Waiting to tell a woman about your foreskin until she’s unzipping your pants could make for an awkward situation. The awkwardness is not because of the foreskin but, instead, due to that, “Um, there’s something I need to tell you about my penis,” moment that is usually reserved for when a man reveals he has Herpes or Clamydia…. Don’t do that!
Even though it shouldn’t be like this, you are putting the woman on the spot. American women are not culturally conditioned to accept foreskin. (YET!) So when you spring it on her just as you’re getting hot and bothered on the sofa, you might instigate her fight-or-flight response, which often sends an American woman running toward the door.
Again, age plays a part in this, so if you’re with a woman in her 30’s or 40’s or older, she may have never experienced foreskin before – except to hear the awful lies about it, or she may have had an encounter with foreskin and found it to be “inconvenient” or “complicated” (it isn’t) because the intact man didn’t know how to talk about his own foreskin or instruct her on how to play with it.
Let’s talk about the sex before moving on….
If you’re having a one-night stand, then you will likely use a condom.
The reality is that the woman is not going to experience the great benefits of the foreskin when it’s trapped in a condom. Personally, I think THIS is the reason some American women say they don’t “notice a difference” in the penis between an intact man and a circumcised man – the condom blocks a lot of the fun. So the only way this foreskin adventure may seem different for the woman is if she does oral sex or hand sex first, playing with the foreskin directly, gently maneuvering it in all its configurations, and experiencing just how amazing male foreskin really is.
Quite simply: intact sex is a whole other world.
Unfortunately, I’ve heard from several American intact men who will pretend to be cut by not showing a woman their penis until they are fully erect and then tucking the foreskin behind the glans to “hide” it – to look circumcised. Unless he has a long, acroposthion foreskin, an intact man’s erection can look very similar to a cut man’s erection – except the intact man’s penis will be healthy-looking with a shiny, smooth, moist glans and no circumcision scar around the shaft. Also, some intact men have a short foreskin, so their foreskin may be taut when erect.
All that aside, the penetrative sex will be different for the woman because, as an intact man, you don’t need to jackhammer her vagina in order to cum. Even with your foreskin in a condom, your foreskin will still experience the give-and-receive stimulation with the glans and its coronal edge (IF you put the condom on correctly). Also, your hips and body will still move like an intact man does during sex, so she will enjoy that very much – once she relaxes and realizes the sex will be different.
Now…. Back to our regularly scheduled program….
Option 2: Do Tell Her Up Front
Telling a woman up front about your penis might cause her to infer that you expect sex. If the date is with someone you already know well, sex may absolutely be on the menu on the first date. If the date is with someone you don’t know well, or perhaps met through a dating service, then sex is probably not going to happen (but who knows?!).
Either way, announcing that you have foreskin while dining on the main course can make for unusual dinner conversation, to be sure, but at least she knows what she’s getting into and has the opportunity to back out of sex. I know this isn’t what you want, but hear me out.
Telling the woman up front that you have a normal, natural penis with its normal, natural, multi-functional, delicious foreskin should be like any other dinner conversation. Whereas, if you wait until the unzipping-on-the-couch scenario back at your place, she just might run out of your apartment. (I’ve heard tons of horror stories from intact men just like this!)
Telling her over dinner may indeed be ideal. The restaurant is neutral territory, and you’re surrounded by other people, so she will feel safe. Even if the topic makes her uncomfortable, she’s probably not going to run out of the restaurant because that would cause a scene.
Think of this as an educational opportunity whereby you can teach her about foreskin, its purpose, its numerous health functions, and especially how SHE benefits from having sex with an intact man:
- Studies prove intact sex is much more pleasurable for both partners. (O’Hara/OH’ara, 1999; Frisch, 2011)
- Studies prove greater sexual compatibility when the man is intact. (Hughes, 1990)
- Studies prove women are more likely to climax without clitoral stimulation during intact sex. (O’Hara/OH’ara, 1999)
- Studies prove intact sex is not painful like sex with circumcised men can be. (Frisch, 2011)
- Studies prove that couples where the man is intact are happier overall and happier long-term (50 years and longer!). (O’Hara/OH’ara, 1999)
Even if you’re using a condom, the woman will still feel the difference of the style of sex intact men tend to prefer – slow, sensual, soft, relaxed. In fact, it may take her a few minutes to get accustomed to this slower, softer style of sex instead of the 2-minute, rough banging she’s likely familiar with.
Stop treating your foreskin like it’s a disease! 🙂 If you had cancer and went out on a date with someone, would you “warn” them you have cancer? Or let them know matter-of-factly? There’s no need to be so negative toward your foreskin.
If you actually have a sexually-transmitted disease, then YES, you should be up front about that so the person has the chance to back out. That is their right to pursue the relationship with all the information. But foreskin is normal. Our pro-circumcision American culture is the disease here.
So how do you bring up the topic of your penis over the meat course and let the woman know it’s your foreskin that’s the true dessert?
You two will likely talk about your past relationships – were you ever married, divorced, how many kids, why your last relationship didn’t work out, etc. You can easily mention that you’ve had a difficult time finding the right person because you’re intact. Or, better yet, be proactive:
- HER: “I’m a singer, and I want to be on Broadway.”
- YOU: “Really? That’s cool. I’m an intactivist because I’m intact.”
Her reaction will definitely be influenced by how you present the topic. If you’re ashamed of your foreskin, she will think there’s something wrong with it regardless of what you say. If you’re proud of your foreskin, she will be intrigued about this mysterious body-part she’s not familiar with. So be aware of your facial expression, tone of voice, and even the openness of your arms (don’t cross your arms because it’s a signal of defensiveness or confrontation). Body language is huge in non-verbal communication. Just know that she will absolutely take her cue on how to react from YOU.
Here’s another sample intro to the conversation: “The last time I was interested in a woman, she didn’t like a man with foreskin, which is crazy since foreskin is normal, and every boy is born with it.”
This will open the door for her reaction:
- “Yeah, I know! American women are so ignorant about foreskin! I think it’s awesome you’re intact.”
- “I was with a guy with foreskin, but it was weird, and I didn’t know what to do with it, so it was just awkward.”
- “Foreskin? I think I’ve heard of that, but I’m not really sure what it is.”
- “Well, I’m Jewish (or Muslim), I can only be with a circumcised man, so in order to go any further, you’ll need to be circumcised.”
- “Ewww! Gross! Waiter – check, please!”
You can decide for yourself what your response will be. Though, I will tell you now that the men who’ve told me they got circumcised for a woman’s religious beliefs – only to be dumped by her later – really regret getting circumcised.
If you can’t be yourself up front, then the person you’re dating doesn’t have a chance to know the real you. If the person you’re dating can’t accept you for who you are, do you really want to date someone who’s that shallow or controlling?
Ultimately, your foreskin is an important part of who you are. I’d be willing to bet that having foreskin has been a significant influence on how you view yourself, your body image, your self-esteem, and your sense of self-worth and self-love. Foreskin is normal! You are normal! Foreskin is beautiful! It’s American society that needs to change, and you are part of that change by embracing your intact-ness and being proud of your body!
Lastly – and perhaps, most importantly(!), whether the date works out or not, every woman you can educate about foreskin is a woman who will be less likely to circumcise a son she gives birth to later.
Let me know how your date turns out. And LOVE YOUR FORESKIN!