For regular readers, you’ll recall that I took a break back in March while my personal life got sorted out and I finally became a free woman. I took another, sudden departure from writing here at AW Blog in July because I suddenly got laid off from my main writing job on July 2nd. For lack of a better term, this unexpected loss of income sent me into a stress-filled panic that is still bubbling under the surface, but I’m handling it better now.
I am a single mom, and over the past year and a half, I have really begun to rely on that sole income to keep us going while I built my little activist empire here at ArousedWoman. I stopped doing my other radio show (on Musical Theatre) to focus on my activism here, and I felt that was the right choice at the time. But with my income suddenly gone, I had to stop this work here and literally fling myself back into Musical Theatre to salvage what I could of my career there — I had intended to go back to Musical Theatre, of course, just not so soon.
In the process of trying to figure out how the heck I’m going to earn a paycheck, my orgasm practice had slipped by the wayside. With it being summertime, I was not home by myself at all — except for the rare weekend (2 weekends out of the whole summer). And with the constant stress of finding work as a writer and/or web designer, my mind wasn’t really in to going further with my practice. I felt… like I was sinking and had nowhere to go but further into uncertainty.
The few times I actually tried a hands-on session, the results were okay but not my usual stellar experience. The couple of times I was all alone and could bring out the toys (my newest glass as well as my beloved cyberskin god), the “practice” felt more like work, i.e., I was “trying” for a specific experience not allowing it to happen. Worse, the end result was a lackluster orgasm that had no emotion at all. It reminded me of my orgasms before my awakening — just physical, no connection to my self, my body, my subtle body, my heart, the universe — nothing. The experience was mechanical and while, yes, there was an orgasm, it was ultimately not satisfactory to me — not after what I’ve experienced in the past 3 years of sexual awakening.
What really pissed me off about the whole situation (aside from losing my income) is that my prostate had begun a new round of awakening the last few days of June! With the shock that happened July 2nd, I really didn’t get to enjoy the new levels of where she was wanting to go this time!
Not only did I not practice, but I didn’t want to practice. I felt a huge “What for?” “Why bother?” “Who cares?”
I cared, but as I threw my idea (from last year) to create Musical Theatre Magazine into overdrive, I had other things to take care of. I got one web design job, and I’ve started doing some writing and copy-editing for an engineer, but I need more. I’m trying to find work and stay sane while doing this blog, my other radio show, my new magazine, and keep a roof over our heads at the same time. (Shameless plug –> If you can make a donation to AW Blog & Radio, it’s tax-deductible for you!)
Anyhoo… Something in the past few weeks has been able to shift my outlook. Perhaps it was getting back into my Musical Theatre passions. Y’all know I’m a musical nerd, right?… Right?!… The unmitigated joy I have when I’m elbow-deep in Musical Theatre must have been the panacea I needed.
Simply put, I didn’t realize it at the time, but the stress over my finances had affected my orgasms. This in turn was affecting so many other things. To me, orgasms are not a titillating, giggle-inducing topic or a source for water-cooler scuttlebutt that they may be for other people. To me, orgasms are not the go-to tension reliever for falling asleep, as they are for a lot of people. My orgasms are a journey for me — from a focused meditation, through arousal that is focused on loving and discovering my body, to the transcendent experience of climax that is a connection with my core self and the universe.
For the first time in a long time, I did not feel whole. In fact, I felt broken.
Looking back, I should have remembered this story, but I was too preoccupied with basic survival. However, as I delved into my passion for all things Broadway and waka-waka-jazz-hands, I was lifted out of the panic that had begun to consume me. Though the magazine has certainly put a different kind of stress on me, it is a labor of love, not just meaningless labor.
Having the house to myself during the day, I resumed my official practice using my new meditation track I composed (that will be available on Amazon soon). Doing my new practice as I’ve designed it along with my music opened the doorway that had been slammed shut by stress.
And then, to my great surprise, my practice offered me a beautiful experience this morning….
Read Part 2!
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