For some reason the topic of “talking dirty” has come up several times recently. Apparently, men are under the assumption that women want to talk dirty, that we like to talk dirty, that we live for talking dirty in bed.
What the hell?!
Actually, most women do NOT like the “talk dirty” part of sex that men addicted to porn seem to like, or men who still view women under the Maiden/Whore dichotomy — “bad” girls do what “good” girls won’t stereotype.
“Oooo, baby, yeah, fuck me. Fuck my pussy with your big fat cock, ram it in me hard…”
Really?
What does “talking dirty” do for the man? What purpose is it supposed to serve?
I, personally, would NEVER “talk dirty.” “Talking dirty” is a dumbing-down affectation of porn and perpetuates the compartmentalizing of a woman into labels and categories, separating her into disparate personalities — i.e., the good-hearted, nurturing woman who is a mother couldn’t possibly be associated with the multi-orgasmic cougar in bed. What better way to segregate the various aspects of woman than to ask her to say or do something so contrary from her everyday personality or communicative style?
Besides that, “talking dirty” is an insult to my intelligence and my extensive vocabulary as a professional writer and performer of language.
Yes, I call a penis a penis or lingam, and my vulva is my vulva or yoni. I may call a penis a dick, but that is rare; and I say testicles and balls interchangeably. Other than that, my vagina is my vagina, and my clit is my clit. The anus, ass, and perineum are synonymous for both sexes. And my breasts are breasts — NOT ANY OTHER HORRIBLE, DEGRADING TERM that MEN (and implant Barbies) USE FOR BREASTS. BREASTS!!! That’s what they’re called, and that’s what I call them. Calling various parts of my anatomy by other names — particularly “dirty” slang terms — disassociates me from my body, or places my body into parts ( J. Alfred Prufrock style) as mere “things” for someone else’s use and enjoyment, not mine.
On a side note, I will call ejaculate “cum” but having an orgasm is not “cumming” — since ejaculating and having (lots of) orgasms are two completely different functions. And yes, my vaginal fluids ARE the “nectar of the gods,” thank you very much!
As I wrote in my article “Me, My Breasts, and I,” I hated my breasts most of my life because of how men treated them and treated me because of them. My body image was molded through the perspective of others who did not value me as a person or my body as the physical extension of my self. It took a Tantric breast meditation to integrate my breasts to my body and my sense of self, to love my body. But now, to be considered “hot,” I have to “talk dirty”? Fuck that!
Why would I talk “dirty” when there’s nothing dirty about sex or being sexual? As I say on Twitter ALL THE TIME: “The human body is beautiful. Sex is beautiful.”
I’m beginning to think that the concept of “talking dirty” is for the sole purpose of distancing the partners from an emotional connection — to keep the sex as just physical as opposed to an opportunity to experience beautiful, mind-blowing orgasms. Even fuck-buddies can have a great connection beyond the physical orgasm — without the “complications” of the dreaded “relationship.” Even Tantra partners who are not “in love” would never “talk dirty” — that would be so disrespectful, particularly to the woman. The man is beautiful. The woman is beautiful. The experience is beautiful. No ramming or dirty talk required.
If you’re a woman and you actually like to talk dirty, I would love to hear from you — to hear why you like to talk dirty — and don’t say because your male partner likes it — ’cause then you’re doing it for him, not because the want and desire to “talk dirty” emanates naturally from within you.
I can’t “talk dirty” about the body or being sexual because I find them both to be wonderfully beautiful. And I felt that way long before I began studying Tantra.
So bite me.
trish
OpEd: FUCKING CHEROKEE MEN (AND OTHER PEOPLE OF COLOR)
OpEd: THE FACE OF ORGASM: IS YOUR WOMAN FAKING ORGASMS OR NOT?
DailyOJ: ALLOWING AND RECEIVING
I agree with you somewhat. Saying things like ” your big fat cock feels so good” or similar things like that jut makes the whole thing seem fake. Sex is organic, natural, and people need to let their bodies do the talking and quit trying to force some preconceived notion they got from watching porn that that kind of talk is a turn on.
As a man, I would like to say that, for me personally, “talking dirty” (or loud screaming) is a distraction that usually makes me limp. However, as a satirical comment, I would submit that most women are so passive in the bedroom that it may be that there are some men who would prefer a woman to “talk dirty” as an alternative to a “dead fuck.” On this note, these men may reason that “talking dirty” is a reasonable request supposing, as they probably do, that “talking” is what women tend to enjoy most.
I’m not into talking dirty. But I hardly think that it’s a vast improvement to replace Puritanism about the sexual body with Puritanism about sexual speech.
One single thing to put blame on …. porn. Unfortunaltely far too many see porn and believe “that’s the way it is”. Pity them as they have no idea how to make love and satisfying themselves nor the one their making love with be it M on W, M on M or W on W.
As a follow-up to my previous satirical comment, I have to ask whether you consider all “dirty talk” to be objectionable, or only some types of “dirty talk”? For example, I consider it quite a turn-on for a woman to say something like, “I can’t wait to taste you” or “You feel good in my mouth” or “Mmmmm…..you feel so good inside me.” On the other hand, a woman screaming “Fuck me, fuck me, yes, fuck me harder” isn’t really a turn-on (it’s more of a distraction” and something as simple as being approached in a bar and asked “How would you like to take me home and tear off a piece of ass” is just a little too trashy for my tastes. So, what exactly do you consider to be objectionable “dirty talk”?
I can see a follow-up post is needed. 🙂
Let me get through my day-job writing deadlines (which will drive me insane this weekend), and I’ll follow-up with all the comments… particularly the one in which I was accused of being Puritanical… I spent years researching the Witch Trials of Europe and Salem, and I assure everyone here, I am in no way Puritanical.
Writing deadlines? Weekend? Winter? Going insane? Now look what you’ve done….you’ve made me go dig out my old VHS of “The Shining”!
Dear Trish,
As a male, I generally I like your writings and find it fascinating to read a woman’s point of view that is exploring her sexuality. So thank you for doing so and being so public about it here. 🙂
But I think the thing you have to remember is that just because you don’t like it and find it offensive, doesn’t mean others don’t. Anything that is consensual between two or more people is ok and their own business. Everybody really has their own set of fetishes or turn on that works for them. In addition to, as Robert Ford mentioned, there being many ways and variations that ‘dirty talking’ can occur. Which makes it a much broader type of interaction than what you are upset about in your blog post. Would you be offended if one of your partners said to you: “I can’t wait till we get home so I can lick every square inch of your body.” ? I consider this a form of dirty talking even though there is likely no terms in there that you would find offensive.
I would personally never force any dirty talking upon any woman that doesn’t like it. That ruins the whole point of it. For me the idea is to express affection and arousal, in addition to building arousal and emotional bonding. But it takes a special compatibility and/or chemistry to communicate in this way, in addition to both people liking it, and finding what sort of verbal interaction is acceptable and does what I mentioned in the prior sentence.
You are who you are, I accept that. It’s a good idea to remember to allow other people the space and respect to be who they are and want to be that are different from you. It doesn’t mean they have to be your friends or partners, but you’ll probably find you will get along with a lot more varied types of people and be more at peace within yourself.