* This post is a follow-up to AskTrish: Man With Large Penis Worries About Causing Girlfriend Pain During Sex.*

Dear Trish,

My girlfriend, and I are now separated.  I am failing at figuring women out.  I have been trying to meet women.  However, two women I know — by a friend we share in common — have been pretty blunt about wanting to sleep with me as a result of gossip.  They just heard from a long-time ex when I dated her that I was well… you know.  I would rather stay away.  I don’t want this as I would rather see something more serious.  I turn 29 in February.  I don’t really enjoy meaningless sex unless it’s with someone I know and trust.  I don’t trust someone who comes up and says something like that.  So what are my options?

N.

Ohio, USA

Dear N.,

Women are complex.  Most women aren’t easy to get to know because they’ve been taught to play games.  But I think your instincts are spot on!

It’s heartening to me that a man as young as you would want a serious relationship and not just sex. However, if you’re looking to date women younger than yourself, you’re likely to find immature women who will treat you (and your penis) like a side show spectacle at the circus.

As for the gossip, you’ll probably get that wherever you go with your circle of friends, especially if you see your exes a lot.  Here is where dating can be problematic for you.  Younger women may be “sowing their wild oats” (that society takes for granted with young men), while women your age or slightly older might be looking for men to have kids with.  And you’re stuck in the middle — wanting a meaningful relationship but not ready for kids.

Women in their early 20’s often play out their princess-daddy’s-girl bullshit in relationships with men.  Men in their early 20’s treat relationships as status symbols and easy-access sex.  Women in their late 20’s have begun to taste life on their own — out of college, in the work force, paying their way, usually putting career first.  By the time women hit their 30’s, many women feel the desire to start a family.  Men may not feel this until their mid- to late 30’s or even their 40’s.  Between the games people play in relationships and the different goals people set for themselves, it’s a wonder two people ever find a happy, healthy relationship!

As for your comment, “I don’t enjoy meaningless sex unless it’s with someone I know and trust.”  I think you should re-adjust your notion of “meaningless” sex.  If you’re having sex with a friend for the sake of having sex (i.e., an enjoyable time with someone you know and trust), that is not “meaningless.”  Sharing a beautiful sexual experience with another human being has value, even if you’re not “in love” with that person.  “In love” is a chemical reaction in the brain due to the transference of pheromones and other body chemicals between two people.  At some point in your life, you may have experienced that loss of “in love” once your brain is immune to the chemical stimuli of her body’s biology, and vice versa.  The ennui of “in love” can fade quickly, and you’re left wondering, “What now?”

Loving and appreciating another human being does not have to come with a prison sentence and the “strings attached” that we’re used to.  From my perspective, sharing a wonderful, orgasmic experience with another person adds value to my life and hopefully to the other person’s.  I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the past couple of years, and I know what orgasm is supposed to be — it is a way to connect to the universal energy, to experience bliss in no other way we can in this meat-suit body.

As I look ahead to my divorce being finalized, I’ve been scoping out men I know and trust — to not hurt me, not have diseases, have had a vasectomy. As I told the man who will probably be my first post-divorce sexual experience, “I might say ‘I love you’ during sex.  Don’t worry.  I don’t want commitment.  It just means I love you a a human being.  Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be having sex with you anyway… and I’ll probably cry… a lot… I do when the orgasms are really good.”  I couldn’t share that with a man I didn’t trust, even though he and I are not “in love.”

N., I would say you have two options:  Go through with the “meaningless” sex/relationships to satisfy your manly, physical needs, but you may feel as if your heart and soul are suffering with the purely physical encounters.  The other option is to go celibate until the universe decides it is time for you to meet your dream woman.  You can’t make the younger women more mature, nor can you  make the right woman appear in your life before it is time for your paths to cross.

In fact, I highly recommend you go for Option 2.  Spend time working on yourself so that you are the right person when the time is right for you to meet your right partner.

If you go for Option 1, find yourself a “cougar.”  There must be a way to meet women in your area who are over the age of 38-ish, are done having kids, and have divorced their asshole husband (who’s probably currently having a mid-life crisis of his own).  Most cougars want the orgasms they didn’t get in marriage and crave adventurous sex sans procreation.

By the way, if you’re hanging out in bars for women, that’s your first mistake.  Stay out of the bars. 🙂 And if your circle of friends keeps bringing this heartache, get a new circle of friends.

Since you’re looking for a relationship that improves you as a human being, look for similarly-minded women in places that also reflect they  are looking to improve themselves  as human beings.  Attend a yoga class, join a hiking club, sit in on a reading at a local (erotic) bookshop.

You never know where or when Miss Right will show up.

trish

* For phone consultations, email trish via the AW website. *