* Read Part 1 here. *
Also, this September, I noticed how my clitoral orgasms are not as explosive and separate from my vaginal/prostate orgasms as they used to be. Instead of an obvious explosion, that typifies the clit orgasm, my clitoral orgasms have become much fuller, more like full-body expansion up my torso and through me in waves rather than being localized to the clit in a hot quick burst of release. These new clitoral orgasms (in conjunction with prostate stim) have been amazing.
My prostate orgasms have been insanely intense, and yet I have not felt the awakening in my prostate that I had hoped for since resuming my practice in August. I could still be in a time of adjustment, or my prostate could be so integrated now that my body is now accustomed to the sensations that were once so new and startling. (Which sucks because I love when my prostate is so awake I literally can’t sit still.) However, I know my prostate is very much awake and attentive because I have urination orgasms almost every time I go to the bathroom. And of course, the blended orgasms are truly out of this world.
On a side note, since crossing that threshold into being 40, I have noticed since September that I’m not as wet as I used to be. I know my caffeine intake is too high, and I’ve been forgetting to take my fish oil, but not being crazy-wet all the time has me concerned about my hormone levels as well as my hydration and diet regimen. I eat pretty well — on the rare occasion too much sugar, but nowhere near what I used to consume. So I’ve made a conscious effort to lay off most sugar/starch, take my fish oil, eat my dark chocolate, and drink LOTS of water. I can tell when I’m properly hydrated by the prostate orgasms that radiate through my torso and up my spine to my scalp and face when I go to the bathroom. No orgasm while urinating? CHUG ICE WATER.
I’ve been trying to do my Sparkles-assisted sessions on Monday, Wednesday, Friday — during the day, since I’m loud, saving my hands-only, quieter, blended, wake-up O’s for Saturdays and/or Sundays.
Today, I experienced again what had been happening for the past couple of weeks. Starting the session later than I prefer puts me in a bit of a stress mode since I like to have my “lying broken” time first to clear the mind fuzz. If I have less than 3 hours, I usually don’t bother. But today, I had less than 2 hours, but really wanted to have a session, so I went for it… which may have been what set me up for the resulting disappointment.
By not having my “lying broken” time, the mind fuzz was all a-chatter in my head. Life, work, this blog, Twitter, updating my site, hoping I can raise enough funds to start my radio show and forum, organizing my own orgasm training method in my head — my mind would not slow down, shut off, or shut up. And yet, I proceeded. Pathetically. I did about 15 minutes of sounds on Aum, doing light sensual massage. After a minute, I had some light nipple-gasms (disappointed that it took that long). A few minutes into the Aumming, I started clit massage. Took a good minute to get an OM-clit-gasm. (Disappointing.) Trying to put a finger in, there was vaginal fluid at the opening, enough to insert my finger to stim my prostate, but certainly not enough to accommodate my purple silicone friend, Sparkles.
This had been going on for a few weeks now. Too much caffeine and not enough vag fluid. I always use lube with Sparkles, but now being 40, the idea of being one of “those” women who can’t get wet sent a panic through me. My ex used to complain about how wet I got during sex — he would pull out and use the sheet to wipe me off till my vulva was bone dry and he could get friction (the fact that it hurt me didn’t seem to matter) — what mattered now was that I may have wasted over a decade of being a natural female ejaculator with a man who hated my amount of fluids! Somewhere in my psyche, I may have shut that down, and now being 40, the natural hormonal changes to my body might prevent me from ever ejaculating! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!! (I’m not sure about this as a point of fact, but that was the fear that ran through my head… as if I had room for more mind noise…)
So what the hell was the point?! Why am I doing this?! Why don’t I just stop — call it a day? I’ve done that before. This time, I couldn’t just stop. I wasn’t having a female blue-balls moment (yes, we can get those). Quite the contrary, I could have very easily just gotten up. But I was so annoyed that my routine was interrupted by starting late, my vagina was dry from my over-consumption of caffeine, and my mind would just not shut the fuck up. And now it was glaringly obvious that I was so attached to the outcome, I couldn’t just end the session out of separation anxiety… What if my fabulous, life-altering orgasm journey is caput? What if the ride is over and the cosmic carousel operator is trying to get me to move the hell on — and what, take up knitting?!
Granted, the “worst,” most “disappointing” orgasm nowadays is better than the best orgasm I ever had prior to beginning this journey. But I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself, and I have so much more to learn, that it just can’t be “over!” It can’t continue to be a series of technically great orgasms that don’t resonate with me vibrationally!!
So I soldiered on with Sparkles, had a physically great orgasm … and then, the worst did, in fact, happen. I cried… but not in euphoria, but rather in disappointment. This was the first time that I remember crying out of the lack of something, something was missing, and I was sad in my heart. It dawned on me later that what’s missing just might be a physical partner.
Having soared to incredible peaks on my own, I know I’m more than ready for a partner, but my current life circumstances prevent me from pursuing pleasure with someone else. This is not only sexually frustrating, but it hurts my heart. I believe I have a great deal to offer a man, especially in the sex/orgasm department, but I can’t pursue anything until my divorce is finalized. And so Asshole — my ex — still has a power over me. I fear that having any kind of sexual relations “outside of marriage” (though I moved out 2 years ago), will be used against me to the point of losing custody of my daughter. That is exactly what has happened to other women (it’s part of living in a Bible-thumpin’ Red State). Another added layer of mind noise moves to the forefront.
I feel suddenly broken in many ways, and yet, I’m at a fork in the road, but I don’t know which way to go. As a friend told me, my energy is scattered. I know my heart is here with my activism and ArousedWoman(TM). Hopefully, my emotional heart will be able to find its place with a partner soon enough… Bring on the ice water!
Aroused and scattered,