As I lay in bed this morning, trying to delay getting up and starting my day, I allowed my self some of my now customary stealth orgasms. These then led to spontaneous O’s, i.e., the just-thinking-of-O’s orgasms and the where-did-that-come-from-’cause-I-wasn’t-doing-anything orgasms. These “integrated,” stealth orgasms are not explosive or exciting in the usual sense — I’m sure if someone were to look on, he or she would be very bored. But somehow, they are fulfilling to me.
I waited too late to start actual genital stimulation for a blended orgasm because just a few minutes into it, I heard sounds from beyond my bedroom door signaling the child was awake. I sighed in frustration. I was not so far into the process that I would have that nagging, swollen, pulsating vulva and tingly/ itchy feeling all over from not finishing. But apparently I’d done enough in that short amount of time that as soon as I withdrew my fingers from my slick inner depths, I could feel contractions in my vagina, my PC muscles, my anus, in my legs, my abdominals, and fluttering in my ribcage. Great. My body was having the after-orgasm echo effects, but I didn’t get to savor the blended O — or any genital O — itself.
Strangely, I didn’t feel sexual frustration. I guess the numerous stealth O’s from the nipple and clit stim had been enough — or had heated up my parasympathetic nervous system enough — that my body was satisfied even though “I” wasn’t.
I listened intently and heard the child go back to her room. I thought about resuming but decided to enjoy the after-shocks instead. I closed my eyes and sent my focus to various areas, enjoying the internal swelling of aroused vaginal walls, the natural undulation of my hips, and the overall sensation of fulfillment that is similar in feeling to standing on the beach and feeling the wind washing over my face and body — as if the cosmos has given me a gentle hug and in its wake is an enveloping energy that is infinitely soothing. That is what the stealth orgasms feel like — they go through me, over me, under and around me, and I feel completely light as air and satisfied in a deeper sense than I’ve ever known.
“Allowing” is often seen as “giving up” or “giving in,” so chasing results often becomes a requisite for existence in daily life and business. Being “in the moment” to enjoy what you’re feeling now, in this moment, not the next, not later, not comparing to last time, but now is to be in true harmony with your body and in true bliss.
Orgasm is not a goal to be won or achieved, it is a moment to be experienced and savored just like every other moment.
“Orgasm” literally means “to swell,” but common thinking has led us to believe that orgasm is the end of a sexual experience. It isn’t. Orgasm is actually the beginning of the sexual experience, or the process of getting to that precipice of “la petite mort” explosion. And if we focus on the end of the experience then we are missing out on all the other, smaller but just as beautiful and important experiences along the way: the arousal process, the true orgasms, the more subtle, true orgasmic process of excitement as it swells in each moment.
Rather than actively going forward, reaching for some pre-determined end or idea of “climax,” allow your self to receive the moment. Receive the orgasm that is happening right now. Feel it wash over you… Be grateful… Now feel this moment… Allow… Receive… Be amazed… Be grateful… Now feel this moment……
Orgasm is not the end. Orgasm is the process itself, a process that doesn’t necessarily need an ending.
Aroused and allowing,
trish
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Great post, Trish 8) There are two important things I’d like to add:
First off, “orgasm” is merely a *term*—and this term is highly overrated. When it comes to sexual activities, the important thing is what you *feel*, *what* you experience—not how you call your experience. The question “Did I/you cum… and if so, how often?” is virtually insignificant. What matters is *not* whether your experience is anything you might call “orgasm”, or how often/long those are. What matters *is*, by contrast, the pleasure you feel, the fun you have, the fulfillment there is, the comfort, the excitement, the intimacy, the curiosity, the tension and the release of tension—And probably 100 additional things which are more important than wondering whether you “make it” or not.
Secondly, and somehow related to the first point: many people misuse sex, and orgasm in particular, as a kind of ego-booster—for themselves, and often for their partner as well. That’s a real shame. If you do so, it keeps your focus away from the really yummy things, and it keeps your focus away from the present moment. If your ego relies on “achieving” orgasm, it becomes a *goal* to do “achieve” it—with all the problems associated with that attitude.
It gets particular bad if you start actively putting on a show to “prove” that you are having a great orgasm, and to convince your partner and/or yourself of it. I’m not even talking about the classical fake orgasms here. I’m talking about real, but exaggerated orgasms. I’m talking about orgasms that are deemed not shiny enough. The basic problem is similar to the problem with totally faking orgasms/pleasure, though: Your behavior is not an expression of what you feel, but instead, you start acting to some degree. And that is wrong.
When sexually aroused, only do what you truly feel like. Don’t put on a show, neither for yourself nor for a partner. Don’t act. Instead, express your feelings in your movements, sounds etc. Express the pleasure which actually is there. The best way to do so is to hand control over to your body—Your body/soul knows what you feel, and it knows what you truly want to express. Your conscious mind might tend to judge your body’s expression as insufficient, as not doing justice to this amount of pleasure. Acknowledge the fact that your mind says that, but don’t listen to it—Otherwise, you’ll probably end up acting in an instant. Whatever your body does to express what you are feeling is good. If it makes you move and moan only little (or even not at all), it is perfect. You *know* how much pleasure you feel—so you don’t need to affirm it to yourself, right? It is perfectly possible that, even though you *are* experiencing tremendous pleasure, there is not much happening on the surface. And that’s fine. If what happens feels good to you, and is a true expression of what you feel in this very moment, it’s great, it’s perfect.
Okay, if that happens while you are with a partner, your behavior may look pretty unspectacular at first glance, maybe even somewhat “boring”. In case your partner considers it boring, odds are s/he is moron. If you feel good, and if you truly express yourself in your behavior, anyone who cares about you *will* like it this way. And if the chemistry is right, s/he may even get a sense of what you feel. Quiet pleasures may be subtle—but they can be very sexy, they can even be outright magnificent. They only need to be genuine.
“Wow! Ima start reading smut books!!” …is what my comment was going to be, until I read Mathias response..(geez, thanks for crushing the rest of us, dude). 😉 Instead, I will simply follow with, “What he said..”
Ah-so, Grasshopper… “Smut” (and porn) will never make you truly happy. 🙂 Look within and find your happiness in being a whole you. THEN you can radiate that happiness toward a partner and experience amazing bliss. (Was that too self-help aisle at the bookstore??? 🙂 )
Thanks for leaving a comment, guys!!
Ah, that’s a complicated topic. In short: I strongly support your decision to avoid smut—but not *every* sexually explicit material *is* smut. [Note: Although I’m preaching here, I’ve not yet managed to get entirely rid of porn myself. I’m working on it, though 🙂 ).
You mention books—Now, I’ve no first-hand experience with erotic literature, but I imagine there may be quite a lot of books out there which focus on moods and feelings in a tasteful and sensual way (that’s what I call “erotica”). And there actually *is* video material of a similar kind—The most notable site I know of is linked on the AW main page: http://www.arousedwoman.com/store-film-video.html
I think reading/watching erotic (not pornographic!) material is perfectly fine in general. It can be inspiring, pleasurable, even outright insightful. The rule of thumb is: As long as you keep sexually explicit material separate from pleasuring yourself, you’re doing fine. If they start to mix both, you’ve gotten on a slippery slope.
A short explanation: When I’m watching erotica, I do not combine it with physical stimulation of my own body. Instead, I focus on the experience of the person(s) I’m watching. I try to tune in to *their* experience. I imagine what they might be feeling. I empathize with them. I respect them as persons in their own right. And I respect their experience as *theirs*—I do not fantasize about entering the scene or something. I do not masturbate while watching, and I do not even feel like doing so.
By contrast, porn to me is merely wanking material. I use it almost exclusively as a tool when jerking off. And it works entirely different from erotica: I do not try to imagine what the actors might be feeling or something, but I use what they’re doing as a kind of template to add visual stimulation to the physical stimulation. Basically, I imagine I was in the male actor’s place, fucking the actress.
I think this is the main purpose of porn. E.g. it strikes me that in porn, the actresses usually look into the *camera* on a regular basis—whereas in erotica, the partners make eye contact with their *each other*. The latter conveys a sense of intimacy, of connection between these two persons. The former, by contrast, creates a connection between the actress and the *viewer*. This makes it easier for the viewer to fantasize about fucking her himself.
Btw: Watching erotica *can* be very pleasurable. If I can tune in to a person’s pleasure really well, I feel a physical resonance in own body—I may get tingly all over, or even start twitching around somewhat 😀
And it may happen that some time (half an hour or an hour) *after* watching erotica, I feel like giving myself some quality time—Not because I’d gotten so horny from watching, but because I’m still truly aroused. And: If I decide to wank, I do not think about what I watched before. If I do so, it is *my* quality time, and my own pleasure, which I keep apart from what I just watched (although this erotic material may have set the mood 😉 )
Thanks for this entry, using what I’ve learned from here, and learning to appreciate the whole actions used to get to the orgasm apex, I felt the best O I ever had with my wife! I can’t wait to figure out more and enjoy sex even more!
Jason,
That is AMAZING!!! And I’m so happy! THIS is exactly my raison d’etre for this blog. Orgasm has a whole new meaning when we strip away the preconceived notions with which our sexual/sensual identities have been sabotaged by media, culture, and religion. Adopting a “non-attachment” philosophy opens up our awareness of sensations we might never have noticed before because we we’re waiting for the Big Bang of the ending.
I’m so glad you’ve been able to get some benefit from my posts and others’ comments. Feel free to comment on any post here, especially if you have a question about something I’ve written. 🙂 Your journey is just beginning, and I HOPE you’ll let me know how it goes for you!!
Take care!!
trish
A guy here. Completely know what you’re talking about. I could care less about the final moment, er…well, sort of. I much prefer everything that comes before it. I’ll often “get it up” get close and not finish. You summed it up exactly: “That is what the stealth orgasms feel like — they go through me, over me, under and around me, and I feel completely light as air and satisfied in a deeper sense than I’ve ever known.”