My last session — on Monday — was amazing, and I wrote about it here.
After the final big orgasm, as the contractions pulsated in my vagina, cervix, and anus, I burst into tears which made me deliriously happy (inside). This emotion was centered in the heart chakra. I felt the wall of my chest vibrating — a heartgasm?, and my hands flew up to my heart and over my eyes. The crying was guttural and from my core. It felt like I was finally back on my journey’s path.
This may not sound like a good thing, but I was relieved by the emotional expression that occurred. The past few weeks, my orgasms had been unemotional — with little to no crying afterward. I have begun to equate my vocal volume during and my emotional crying afterward with the intensity and number of orgasms. The louder and boo-hooey-er, the bigger and better. The lack of emotional response seemed to be synonymous with the lack of true arousal I’d been feeling.
This then brought up other emotional issues… I realized that I almost dread having sex with a partner again… the more emotional I am means the awesomer my orgasms were. Men are scared of emotion. So this is actually beginning to feel like a deal-breaker. I can’t go back to unemotional sex. Women who like casual sex — more power to them. I’ve recently discovered I just don’t want it. I would need to hide my emotions for a “just fucking” encounter, and that would hurt too much.
I know this separates me from the majority of feminists out there who think that being an empowered female means fucking anything that’s longer than it is wide and being able to walk away unaffected by the encounter. I never was that way inside, though I did have the occasional orgy one-night stand. (Another reason to love the theatre 😀 ). And I’m a humanist, not a feminist — if “feminist” is defined as thinking women should automatically be placed ahead of men just because we’re female — that’s reverse discrimination FOR the vagina, which is no better than discrimination AGAINST the vagina.
Recognizing that I… need… as well as want the emotional component of sexual experience must mean I’m getting old… or maybe more integrated with my higher self. “Needing” anything is not easy for me. I’ve always been and had to be independent. Find a way or make a way. No negotiations. No excuses. “Needing” puts me in a position of submissiveness. Vulnerability. And frankly, that freaks me out.
Not to get all woo-woo on you, but having experienced the astral plane in dreams and the cosmic orgasm from my prostate awakening, I refuse to settle for anything less. Don’t get me wrong. I would still enjoy a good ol’ fashioned hard fuck, as long as the underlying relationship is one of love and trust — then the hard fuck is really just a matter of mutual, wild, animal lust rearing its fabulous head amidst a spirit-connected sexual and sensual experience… but I can cry afterward, knowing I’m safe, that I felt safe to give myself so fully to the experience in the first place… and for me, crying is a good thing.
Aroused and blubbering,
trish
For more of my personal orgasm journey, read Trish’s Daily O.J.
Visit the AW site: Aroused Woman
OpEd: FUCKING CHEROKEE MEN (AND OTHER PEOPLE OF COLOR)
OpEd: THE FACE OF ORGASM: IS YOUR WOMAN FAKING ORGASMS OR NOT?
DailyOJ: ALLOWING AND RECEIVING
“Men are scared of emotion”: Ah, come on, do not tar all of us with the same brush 😉 There are men who *love* emotion, their own emotions as well as others’.
[Btw: I personally believe that in everyone, there is a predisposition for being emotional, for being truly interested in other people etc. The difference is to which extend people are able to open to this part of themselves.]
If you feel that staying true to yourself means not to engage in superficial sex, that’s perfectly fine. To be honest, I for one think that it is even a *good* sign. People with a healthy sex drive *are* picky about their sexual partners. If you value your sexuality, you’ll only share it with people who are worthy of doing so.
Now, given the current state of our species, demanding high standards from a sexual partner means it is very difficult to find anyone at all who meets your standards. In this case, there is nothing wrong with *you* – There’s something wrong with most other people.
[Note: It is important to note that this attitude does *not* mean you’d be prude or something. I assume, if there were dozens of men available who do meet your requirements, you would happily, ermm… get to know several of them, and investigate their respective peculiarities, right? 😉 ]
re: “feminists”: There are different groups of people calling themselves “feminists”. The term itself doesn’t tell much about the attitudes of any particular person using this self-description. It may be someone who wants to privilege women over men, it may be someone who wants people to be treated equal regardless of gender, it may be someone who wants women’s concerns to gain attention, etc. When it comes to sex, there are huge differences in the attitude of feminists, as well.
Feminists are far from being a homogeneous group. So I think, whenever using this term, it is important to clarify what group/mindset exactly you refer to.
Btw: There are similar ambiguities in term “humanist”. Many people use it, and they mean very different things by it. So, if you call yourself a humanist, you might want to clarify what a humanist *is* in your book.
re: *needing* an emotional component of sex: I think this is not a matter of getting old. It is a matter of achieving a true body-soul connection. And maybe that is one aspect of getting mature.
[Btw: Being mature is *not* equivalent with being old 😉 ]
You say, this need for emotion would make you dependent – i.e. it would make you depend on others. But I think, fulfilling this need is entirely up to *yourself*. Only *you* can allow yourself to open to emotion during sexual activity, be it alone or with a partner. No partner can give this to you. You can only find it within yourself.
If you only want to engage in partner sex if you can let your emotions flow freely in the course of it, you do not *depend* on your partner in spe. Instead, you are making *demands*. That’s pretty much the opposite 😉
Being emotional is a huge sign of weakness in American thought. Much of American sexual desirability for men is caught up in being a “player” or a “lady’s man,” a “love ’em and leave ’em” stereotype. A man who does show emotion automatically has his manhood questioned. A woman who is emotional is seen as either hormonal and unable to control her emotions, OR the emotion is seen (by some men) to be a trap – a snare that will end his roaming ways, and few men want that. 😀
P.S. Emotion is human. It’s culture, religion, & society that have condemned emotion to being weakness. And it is very difficult to rise above the systemic brainwashing.